Dolgo je že tega, odkar me je gozd prvič ‘dotaknil’, morda 30 let nazaj? Takrat tega nisem opazila… ne tako kot opazim ‘dotik živega’ danes… a brez pomote je ta dotik opazilo moje telo. Od takrat naprej me je gozd neustavljivo privlačil.
‘Moj svet’, ki sem ga živela, me je čez noč odrezal od sebe. Obvisela sem nekje vmes med konec starega in še ne novim. Snežniški gozd s svojo hišico na šrangi me je poklical k sebi, da si pridem na jasno. Dan za dnem sem zrla v ta pojav, ki ga neuko oko zlahka imenuje pač gozd.
Ta beseda bo odtujenemu od narave pomenila združbo dreves, zoprnost in surovino, povezanemu z naravo pa najbolj skrivnostno in magično območje na zemlji.
Prvi dan sem le hodila po njem in si dovolila dan brez načrta. Že samo ta uvod v gozdno bivanje je korak, ki ga večina ljudi nikdar ne doživi. Od zore do mraka sem pohajala po gozdu sama in v tišini, nisem jedla in se ne zaposlovala z nobenim opravkom. Oh… če bi si ljudje dovolili malo izpreči iz neprestanega pogona, koliko, koliko modrosti bi se prelilo vanje! To je velika modrost staroselcev, ki so samoto in tišino negovali kot sveta grala zdravega človeškega duha. Morda je to najhuje, kar se nam je zgodilo… da smo izgubili tišino in z njo stik s seboj in življenjem.
Gozd mi je nudil 14 dnevno osamo, v kateri sem si nadejala jasnosti o tem, kaj si želim od življenja, dobila pa sem jasnost o tem, kaj si On želi od mene. Do takrat sem nase in na svet gledala iz sebe… potem sem ga le še gledala, če razumete! Največje darilo, ki sem ga kdaj koli prejela!
Po prvem dnevu potapljanja v gozd sem se tako globoko sprostila, da mi nobena grdobija minulih dni ni skalila dobrega počutja. Čudežno pomirjena in sita sem bila, kljub postu, ki sem ga iz dneva v dan podaljševala na 11 dni brez hrane, brez družbe, brez branja ali pisanja, brez razmišljanja in brez nepotrebnih opravkov.
Gotovo bodo besede prerevne, da bi vam mogla orisati podobo tega silovitega izbruha moči, ki se je nenadoma sprostil. Moji sicer stalni jemalci moči in pozornosti so nenadoma izginili… nobenega partnerja, nobenih otrok, nobene službe, nobenih navodil, nobenih obveznosti… nobene ogroženosti, nobene potrebe, nobene lakote, nobenega strahu, nobenega upanja, nobenih želja… .
Šele zdaj, ko sem vse to spustila iz rok sem spoznala, koliko… koliko energije mečem v prazno. Koliko stvari imam v življenju, ki so nepremišljene, kar na slepo zaupanje privzete iz okolja. V koliko nepotrebnih čustvenih dram se pustim vleči. Koliko nekega matranja in trudenja za prazen nič. Vse to se mi je bistrilo pred očmi vsak dan gozdnega bivanja močneje. To je bilo prvič, da sem doživela brezmejno lahkost bivanja, v kateri sem bila popolnoma oprana skrbi zase.
Drobtinice iz gozdnega odmika // Flashes from the forest retreat:
3 Ljubezen je v zraku // Love is in the air
5 Balvani na reki Življenja // Boulders on the river of Life
A flash from a forest retreat – A touch of living
It’s been a long time since the forest first ‘touched’ me, maybe 30 years ago? I didn’t notice it then… not like I notice the ‘touch of the living’ today… but without a mistake, that touch was noticed by my body. From then on, the forest attracted me irresistibly.
‘My world’ that I lived cut me off from myself overnight. I hung somewhere in between the end of the old and not yet new. The Snežnik forest with its hut house called me to come to my senses about what to do with my life. Day after day, I stared at this phenomenon, which the ignorant eye easily calls a forest.
To the alienated from nature, this word will mean a union of trees, resentment, and a raw material, and to those associated with nature, the most mysterious and magical area on Earth.
The first day I just walked around it and allowed myself a day without a plan. This introduction to forest living alone is a step that most people never experience. From dawn to dusk I walked through the woods alone and in silence, not eating and not getting busy with any errands. Oh… if people allowed themselves to get a little out of the constant drive, how much, how much wisdom would be poured into them! This is the great wisdom of the natives, who nurtured loneliness and silence as the holy grail of a healthy human spirit. Perhaps this is the worst thing that has happened to us… that we have lost silence and with it contact with ourselves and life.
The forest provided me with a 14-day solitude in which I hoped for clarity about what I wanted from life, and I was given clarity about what He wanted from me. Until then, I was looking at myself and the world from myself… then I was just looking at it, if you understand! The greatest gift I have ever received!
After the first day of diving into the woods, I relaxed so deeply that no ugliness of the past few days had scared my well-being. I was miraculously calm and full, despite fasting, which I extended day by day to 11 days without food, without company, without reading or writing, without thinking and without unnecessary chores.
Surely the words will be too poor to be able to outline to you the image of this magnificant outburst of power that was suddenly released. My otherwise constant takers of power and attention suddenly disappeared… no partner, no children, no job, no instructions, no obligations… no threat, no need, no hunger, no fear, no hope, no desire… .
It was only now that I had let it all out of my hands that I realized how much energy I was throwing into the void. How many things do I have in my life that are reckless, blindly taken from the society. In how many unnecessary emotional dramas I let myself be dragged into. How much of some mumbling and trying for nothing. All this became clearer before my eyes, stronger and stronger every day of the forest retreat. It was the first time I had experienced the boundless ease of living in which I was completely washed away from fear for myself.
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