Po prvem dnevu snežniškega odmika, ki je bil potreben, da me je preteklost pustila pri miru, sem vstopila na nepozabno potovanje duha. Vsak dan odmika sem doživljala kot miselno radirko, ki brez mojega truda počasi briše miselne vzorce vsakdana, v katerem sem bila v pogonu za osebnim udejstvovanjem skozi delo, odnose, zabavo in počitek. Kaj ne delamo tega vsi? Ob uri sem se zbudila, poskrbela za svoje telo, odšla na delo, se vrnila pozno popoldan, pogosto zvečer, se dobila s fantom, poskrbela za dnevne obveznosti, za bližnje, za nakupe, za osebno nego, se po možnosti vsaj enkrat na teden ‘sprostila’ skozi prekomerno uživanje teh ali oni reči, početij… in tako kar naprej.
Bila sem mlada, vendar me je ta podedovan urnik že dolgo mrtvičil, zato sem nenačrtovan rez od vsega tega tako gladko sprejela. Vedela sem, da se je na skrivnosten način uresničila moja težnja po resničnem, kar dotedanje življenje gotovo ni bilo. Nisem objokovala izgube tega sveta… le prvi dan se bila malo jezna in malo v strahu, kar so snežniška drevesa gladko vpila vase, ne da bi mi z istim vrnila.
Tako osvobojena in brez načrta za življenje, sem bila idealno gnetivo za gozdni pouk kot dete v skrbnem varstvu volkulje. Preteklost me z zamerami ni držala k sebi in strah pred prihodnostjo ni imel moči nad mano. Danes vem, da mi sredi mesta kot odrasli, družbeno že dobro ugneteni osebi, to ne bi uspelo. Energija mest je mnogo nižja od energije gozda. Potrebovala sem zven naravnosti, ki ni omadeževan z osebnimi koristmi… le ljubkuje, boža, hrani in neguje.
Vsak nov dan gozdnega bivanja sem doživljala kot vse bolj čisto priklapljanje na tok Življenja, v katerem sem pozabljala, kdo naj bi bila… in vse bolj le bila. Sem pa tja me je obiskala misel, da tako ne more biti ves čas, da bom morala nazaj v svet ljudi, davkov in človeških pravil. Pa vendar je v tistem trenutku gozdne moči vse to odzvanjalo kot daljni odmev, brez vsake pomembnosti.
V tej jasnosti sem doumevala višave misli do vrtoglavice. Že sámo prisostvovanje je poučevalo… na pojave sem gledala neosebno in videla vse natanko tako kot je bilo. Lastne miselne vzorce sem prepoznala za to, kar so… miselni konstrukti, ki me držijo v duhovni statiki kot skalovje na reki življenja, ki pogosto reko povsem zajezijo. Celotna človeška družba zrcali to zajezenost… naša ureditev: birokracija, papirologija, dovoljenja, procedure, stroški… naša bivališča: betonska, jeklena, skoncentrirana na enem mestu… naše zaposlitve, naša zabava, naši sistemi, vladna ureditev, zakoni, pravila… sleherni detajl človekovega delovanja so kot balvani vrženi v tok življenja, ki se jih oklepamo, jih varujemo, se zanje borimo… ne vedoč, da bi bilo veliko bolje, ko bi pustili, da nam jih življenje odnese.
Skozi tišino gozda sem prepoznala, kolikšen napor je potreben, da ta družbeni dogovor vzdržujem… kot bi iz zraka hotela narediti opredmetenost in jo s strinjanjem držala v obstoju. Za to sem porabljala vso svojo moč, ne da bi to vedela… ki se je zdaj naravno prelila v prepoznanje resnične nravi tega početja. Nobeno tuhtanje ni moglo opraviti s to nevidno ujetostjo, med tem kot je prenehanje usmerjanja pozornosti vanjo, z njo z lahkoto opravilo.
Tu sem razumela, kaj pomeni moč notranje tišine, iz katere se ne vmešavam v naraven tok stvari in ne izsiljujem svojega. Pomirjena znotraj gozda, utelešenega miru, sem rado-voljna spustila nadzor nad svojim življenjem in padla v Njegov tok… vsaj za kratek čas. Kako pa je s tem v človeškem svetu… ali lahko popolnoma spustim nadzor tudi tam?
Drobtinice iz gozdnega odmika // Flashes from the forest retreat:
4 Dotik živega // A touch of living
6 Kaj hoče Življenje od mene? // What does Life want from me?
A flash from a forest retreat – Boulders on the River of Life
After the first day of the Snežnik forest retreat, that was needed to leave the past behind, I embarked on an unforgettable journey of the spirit. Each day of retreat I experienced as a thought eraser that, without my effort, slowly erases the behaviour patterns of everyday life in which I was driven by personal engagement through work, relationships, fun, and rest. Don’t we all do that? I woke up at certain time, took care of my body, went to work, came back late in the afternoon, often in the evening, got together with a boyfriend, took care of daily obligations, loved ones, shopping, personal care, preferably at least once a week ‘relaxed’ through excessive consumption of these or those things, doing … and so on.
I was young, but this inherited schedule had been numbing me for a long time, which is why I accepted the unplanned cut from it all so smoothly. I knew that in a mysterious way my desire for the real had come true, which was certainly not the case until then. I didn’t mourn the loss of this world… only the first day I was a little angry and a little scared that the Snežnik trees smoothly soaked into themseves without giving me back the same.
So liberated and without a plan for life, I was the ideal material for forest lessons as a child in the careful care of a werewolf. The past did not hold me back with resentment and judgment, and the fear of the future had no power over me. Today, I know that in the middle of the city, as an adult, a socially well-oppressed person, I would not succeed. The energy of cities is much lower than the energy of the forest. I needed a sound of naturalness that is not tainted with personal gain… just caressing, nourishing and nurturing.
I experienced each new day of the forest stay as progressive purification of connection to the flow of Life, in which I forgot who I was supposed to be… and more and more just was. Sometimes I was visited by the thought that it can’t be like that all the time, that I will have to go back to the world of people, taxes and human rules. And yet, in that moment of forest power, it all resounded like a distant echo, without any significance.
In this clarity, I understood the heights of thought to the point of dizziness. The presence itself taught me… I looked at the phenomena impersonally and saw everything exactly as it was. I recognized my own thought patterns for what they are… mind constructs that hold me in spiritual statics like rocks on a river of life that often completely dam the river. The whole of human society mirrors this entanglement… our arrangement: bureaucracy, paperwork, permits, procedures, costs… our dwellings: concrete, steel, concentrated in one place… our jobs, our entertainment, our systems, government arrangements, laws, rules… every detail of human activity is thrown like boulders into the flow of life, clinging to it, protecting it, fighting for it… not knowing that it would be much better to let life take it away from us .
Through the silence of the forest, I recognized how much effort it takes to maintain this social arrangemen… as if I wanted to make materiality out of thin air and keep it in existence with consent. I spent all my energy on it without knowing it… which has now naturally poured into recognizing the true nature of doing so. No thinking could deal with this invisible captivity, while the cessation of directing attention to it was easily done with it.
Here I understood what the power of inner silence meant, from which I do not interfere with the natural flow of things and do not force my own. Reassured within the forest I willingly let go of control of my life and fell into It’s stream… at least for a short time. But what about that in the human world… can I completely let go of control there too?
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