Nič me ni več ganilo, kar mi je ponujal človek, zato sem brez upora in brez pomislekov sprejela ognjeno vabilo na 6 mesečno pot po puščavski Avstraliji, ki je zapečatila uvide gozdnega odmika kot neizbrisen spominski zapis v mojih kosteh… in živela še naprej iz hipa v hip in brez načrta za svoje življenje.
Vem, da me človeški svet ne ljubi! Vem, da ga pri življenju ohranjamo ljudje, ki se ne ljubimo. Vem, da smo se prodali za varnost in udobje, za hvalo in človeške časti. Vem, da me ne more osmisliti, zadovoljiti, niti uresničiti. Vseeno pa je tam kot preizkuševalec moje resnosti po ljubezni. Lahko je ljubiti nedolžno dete, drevesa, vode, sonce, živali in rože. Za to ni potreben noben napor, pojavi se samo od sebe. Tudi morilec ima rad somišljenike… to vsak zna in to vsak zmore brez naprezanja. Ljubiti nekaj lepega ali nekaj nam lastnega je enostavno in pri tem nimamo zaslug.
Zato temu ne smem reči ljubezen, ki je po svoji naravi podobna soncu, ki ne dela razlik med tem, na koga sije. Ne sodi in zato ne omejuje svojega sijaja na izbrance. To pa ni lahko! Ljubiti nekoga, ki te je izdal… nekoga, ki te je telesno ali duhovno zlorabil… nekoga, ki te je okradel… nekoga, ki te muči s sovraštvom, zahrbtnostjo in maščevanjem… nekoga, ki ti iz malomarnosti pohabi ali ubije otroka… . Človeška pamet ima vrsto nasvetov, kako se obnašati v takih primerih in se ob tem hrani z našo pozornostjo in denarjem… pa vendar je za živega dovolj, da pogleda sonce in ve, kaj mu je storiti.
Brez 11 dnevnega gozdnega odmika je bilo to vedenje zame le teorija. Vsako leto, ki se je od takrat obrnilo, je bilo zame težje v razdajanju sijaja, saj je človeški svet po naravi jemalen in ob tem ne čuti niti hvaležnosti za prejeto. Vseeno pa hočem ostajati sonce in še naprej dajati… zato se moram hraniti. Ravno to je tisto, kar nam ljudem med našim preživljanjem vsakdana, manjka. Ne hranimo se s Soncem, ki nam daje dih in zavest! Kako se nahranim z edino hrano, ki jo živo bitje lahko uživa? Tako, da v sebi ohranjam prazen prostor, kjer vladajo Red in Čistina, Mir in Tišina… da On lahko posije vame in me neguje s svojo Toplino in Svetlobo.
Drobtinice iz gozdnega odmika // Flashes from the forest retreat:
8 Post od sebe // Fast from yourself
10 Zaključek: Nadzorovana norost // Conclusion: Controlled insanity
A flash from a forest retreat – What would the Sun do?
I was no longer moved by what the man offered me, so I accepted without resistance and without concern a fiery invitation to a 6-month journey through desert Australia, sealing the insights of a forest retreat as an indelible memorial in my bones… and living on from moment to moment and without a plan for my life.
I know the human world doesn’t love me! I know that we, who don’t love, keep it alive. I know we sold ourselves for safety and comfort, for praise and human approval. I know human gaols can’t make sense of me, satisfy me, or realize me. Yet it is there as a tester of my seriousness of self-realization as love. It is easy to love an innocent child, trees, water, sun, animals and flowers. No effort is required for this, it appears on its own. Even a killer loves like-minded people… everyone does that, and everyone can do it effortlessly. Loving something beautiful or something of our own is easy and we have no credit for it.
Therefore, I must not call this love, which is inherently similar to the sun, which makes no distinction between whom it shines on. It does not judge and therefore does not limit its brilliance to the elect. This is not easy! To love someone who betrayed you… someone who abused you physically or spiritually… someone who robbed you… someone who torments you with hatred, insidiousness and revenge… someone who in negligence cripples or kills your child…. The human mind has a series of tips on how to behave in such cases and at the same time feeds on our attention and money… and yet it is enough for a lively spirit to look at the sun and know what to do.
Without an 11-day forest retreat, this behavior was just a theory to me. Every year that has turned since then, it has been harder for me to distribute the glow, as the human world is inherently ‘a taker’ and at the same time doesn’t even feel grateful for what it received. Still, I want to stay in the Sun and keep giving… so I have to feed myself. This is exactly what we humans lack during our daily lives. We do not feed on the Sun giving us breath and consciousness! How do I ‘eat’ the only food a living being can eat? So that I keep an empty space in myself, where Order and Purity, Peace and Silence reign… that the Sun may shine upon me and nurture me with His Warmth and Light.
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