Življenje me potrebuje tam, kjer sem #1-Zmagam samo sebe // Life needs me where I am #1-I win myself

Trenutno dogajanje dojemam kot nekakšno fatamorgano, ki bi ji ne verjela, če je ni bi doživela in lahko rečem, da sem v tem popolnoma sama, da moj pogled ne najde utehe. Kamorkoli se obrnem, naletim na nerazumevanje in temo. Ne morem si niti zamisliti, kako je danes biti buden in zaposlen v banki, v šolstvu, v zdravstvu, na ministrstvih, v uradih, pa tudi v zasebnem podjetju ali trgovini, ker to terja nečloveško potrpljenje do zahtev, ki jih je treba izpolnjevati. Vseeno pa vem, da so tam nekje sorodne duše, ki se počutijo enako.


Kadar moram z nasiljem uveljavljati svojo voljo, potem je to, kar uveljavljam nekaj, kar se naravno in samo po sebi ne bi zgodilo. Svojo voljo moram posiliti v obstoj in groziti s kaznijo za nespoštovanje zahtev, običajno v imenu vaše in skupne varnosti, s katero poskušam nasilje upravičiti. To je miselna igra, ki ji neštetokrat prevarana zavest težko verjame. Kadar to igro še igram, ji zaupam in jo zagovarjam, se varam. Varam se, če mislim, da so vsi ti ukrepi potrebni za to, da me zavarujejo. Niso in nikdar niso bili. Interesom za temi ukrepi žal ni mar za moj blagor. Dolgo sem verjela, da so. Kaj ni to nekaj lepega, da zadevam končno pridem do dna in vem, s kom imam opravka. Zdaj poznam duha družbe, ki ji pripadam in duha tradicije, ki smo ga tisočletja hranili s svojim strinjanjem. Končuje se nekaj izjemno trdovratno zajedenega v moje umevanje, začelo se je končevati že s prvim korakom zato, ker v resničnosti nima naravnega mesta. V tem najdem močno uteho.


Poskušam uzreti lepoto pravkar povedanega. Nad vsakim dejanjem človeka je roka Življenja. Brez Njegovega pokroviteljstva noben diktator ne bi mogel početi tega, kar počne. Zakaj je dovoljena tako dolga in vse-globalna represija? Ne vem! Ne vem še, a zagotovo vem, da ima svoje mesto v rešitvenem načrtu Življenja. Življenje vedno rešuje in če nekaj dovoli, da se zgodi, je to gotovo del Njegove ljubeče strategije. To ni vera, to je izkustveno vedenje. To je gotovost nekoga, ki je prerasel okvir človeške misli in začel v strukturi vsakdana opažati doslednost življenjske logike.

Ljudje smo pozabili Boga, zato se bojimo človeka in njegovih dejanj, še posebno, če je ta na položaju (družbene) moči. Vendar On še vedno dela, četudi Ga mi ne priznamo. To je velika uteha za tiste, ki se ne obremenjujejo z dejanji drugih, četudi le-ta posegajo v njihovo svobodo. Spomnimo se Jezusa, ko je stal pred Pilatom in mu ta zapiha v obraz: „Kaj ne veš, da te imam oblast osvoboditi ali usmrtiti!“ Na to mu Jezus mirno odvrne: „Ti ne bi imel nobene moči nad Mano, če ti je moj Oče ne bi dal.“ In je šel brez upora v trpljenje in telesno smrt, ne da bi izrekel besedo v svojo obrambo in duhovno Preživel. Nedolžen se ne more braniti, brani se lahko samo kriv.


Kadar v svojem obnašanju opazim, da v sebi bentim, se branim pred takim poseganjem v osebno svobodo, se upiram temu, zahtevam prenehanje te represije… potem lahko vem, da iz mene govori Judežev duh, ki zaradi gomile senčnih dejanj, ni nedolžen. Zato laja in bevska ob vsaki najmanjši neugodnosti zase in se nasilju upira z nasiljem… s kljubovanjem, nasprotovanjem, vzvišenostjo, nespoštovanjem in s tem razkazuje lastno duhovno revščino in množi nasilje in duhovno temo na Zemlji.

Hotela bi, da bi jih bilo veliko, zelo veliko, vendar se bojim, da jih ne bo… takih, ki bodo sposobni premagati sami sebe in se zaustavili v svojem nasilju, četudi je to ‘le branjenje’ pred ‘nepravično’ represijo. Vsem, ki vas resnično še gane, polagam v tišino srca, ne bojte se tega, kar se zgrinja nad vas, bojte se tega, kar se ob tem zganja v vas.

Sijte in bodite sijajni, Marjeta Šumrada

Sledi // Follows: Življenje me potrebuje tam, kjer sem #2 – Se hočem ljubiti? // Next: Life needs me where I am #2 – Do I want to love myself?


Life needs me where I am #1 – I win myself


I perceive the current events as a kind of mirage that I would not believe if I had not experienced it, and I can say that I am completely alone in this, that my gaze does not find comfort. Everywhere I turn, I encounter misunderstanding and darkness. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be awake and employed in a bank, in education, in healthcare, in ministries, in offices, as well as in a private company or trade today, because it requires inhuman patience to the requirements that need to be met. Still, I know there are kindred spirits out there who feel the same way.


If I have to enforce my will with violence, then what is enforcing is something that would not happen naturally. I must force my will into existence and threaten with punishment for non-compliance, usually in the name of yours and the common security, with which I try to justify the violence. It is a mind game that to many times deceived consciousness finds hard to believe. When I think that all these measures are necessary to protect me, I deceive myself. They are not and never have been. Unfortunately, the interest in these measures does not care for my well-being. I have long believed they are. Isn’t it something beutiful to finally get to the bottom of things and know who I’m dealing with. I now know the spirit of the society to which I belong and the spirit of the tradition that we have nurtured with our consent for millennia. Something extremely stubborn is ending, embedded in our understanding, but it will end only because it is not natural, it has no existance in Life. I find this extremely comforting.


I try to see the beauty of what has just been said. Above every action of man is the hand of Life. Without Its patronage, no dictator would be able to do what he does. Why is allowed such a long and all-global repression? I do not know! I don’t know yet, but I certainly know it has its place in Life’s rescue plan. Life always saves life and if anything is allowed to happen, it is certainly part of Its loving strategy. It is not faith, it is experiential behavior. This is the certainty of someone who has outgrown the framework of human thought and begun to observe the consistency of life logic in the structure of everyday life.

We humans have forgotten God, so we fear man and his actions, especially if he is in a position of (social) power. However, He still works, even if we do not acknowledge Him. This is a great consolation for those who are not burdened by the actions of others, even if they interfere with their freedom. Let us remember Jesus standing before Pilate, when he said to him angrily, “Don’t you know that I have power to set you free or to put you to death?” Jesus calmly replied, ‘“You would have no power over Me if my Father had not given it to you.” And he went to suffering and physical death without resistance and without uttering a word in his defense and He spiritually Survived. An innocent person cannot defend himself, only the guilty can defend himself.


When I notice in my behavior that I am raging within myself, defend myself against such encroachment on personal freedom, resist it, demand an end to this repression .. then I now that the spirit of Judah speaks from me, which is not innocent due to a bunch of shadowy actions. That is why he barks at every slightest inconvenience to himself and resists violence with violence… with defiance, opposition, sublimity, disrespect, and thus shows his own spiritual poverty and multiplies violence and spiritual darkness on Earth.

I wish there were a lot of them, a lot, but I’m afraid there won’t be… ones that will be able to overcome themselves and stop in their violence, even if it’s ‘just defending’ against ‘unjust’ repression. To all who really long for justice, I put in the silence of their hearts, do not be afraid of what is looming over you, be afraid of what is stirring in you.

Shine and be brilliant, Marjeta Šumrada

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